This Is Not A Love Letter
by vanillaandtoothpaste
Summary: It's been a year and Jade's ready to move on but she has some things to say first. Warning! - This is kind of depressing. Oneshot.


Dear Beck,

It's been a year since the end of us. And although writing this was really, _really_ hard, I need you to read what's in this letter. I need you to know what's been going on in my head, to get everything out and finally put it behind me for good. I didn't write this to upset you so please don't feel sad or regret anything like that. Just know that I'm letting you go.

You were the first person that made me feel whole and beautiful and worth something. I know I used to say I didn't love you. I remember how _I hate you_ was one of the last things I told you before it ended. But the truth is.. I was just afraid to admit that I was completely and overwhelmingly in love with you.

I was in love with you. You were the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing I thought about when I closed my eyes. And a part of me resented you for that. I hated that you were always there, somewhere in my mind, interrupting my thoughts and my day. I hated that.

But the thing is.. you knew me better than anyone else. Even people who'd known me much, much longer. You came into my life and it was like you had read some sort of "Jade" manual. You knew what it meant when I was quiet, when I lashed out. You knew what it meant when I buried my face into the crook of your neck and rested on your shoulder. You knew that it meant - just hold me. You knew that all I needed was you to kiss me and tell me everything would be okay.

You knew how scared I could be. How hurt I was inside. How I pushed people away, terrified they'd somehow realise how truly broken I was. I'm kind of self destructive in that way and you tried to help me overcome that.. it didn't always work but i liked it that you tried. You never cared when I pushed you away because you knew I was weak when it came to you. You knew that no matter how hard I pushed I'd eventually come flying back at high speed force. And maybe that's the reason I held onto you so tight. I needed you to catch me when I did.

I remember I wished so, so hard for things to stay that way forever, even though somewhere not too deep inside of me I knew things were breaking down. Feelings were starting to fade, we would constantly knock each other down, we were changing. I could feel you falling out of love with me but I just wanted it to work _so_ bad. I didn't want to admit that maybe we weren't as good for each other as we thought. And slowly we drifted, and I drifted, and you drifted too. And then one day I couldn't even recognise our relationship anymore.

It was like we were both so desperately trying to fix it that we just broke it more. Every step forward was another twenty miles in the opposite direction. And with every stupid fight and screaming match we'd take a little piece of the other with us and instead of taking care of it we'd destroy it. I hated how it felt, to know I was hurting you. But for some reason I couldn't stop doing it. The whole situation was a complete, out of control mess. I wanted an out but I also wanted an in. I just wanted to feel something other than angry! And so I waited. And waited.. And waited... And then I realised you weren't coming.

I remember two weeks later Cat asked me how I felt when that happened and I immediately replied with _nothing_. Lie. But back then I doubt I could have answered that question without losing the little of myself I was still clinging on to. But now I'm stronger and even though it happened a year ago I can still describe the very scent of the air in that moment.

The first thing I felt was the heartbreaking sadness that filled my body from the tips of my toes to the very lengths of my hair. And then came the burning in the back of my throat as tears strangled me like cold hands pinching at my neck. The third thing I felt was hate. The fourth was guilt. And then, when I finally retreated, the fifth... impalpable relief.

And yes I lost it. I lost it big. I retreated to a place in my mind where I felt safe. I knew it would hurt me in the long run but for the time being it was perfect. It was safe because the main thing I felt there was nothing and I needed to feel nothing. I learned how to play the role of old Jade; sarcastic and intimidating but it was all a lie. I was constantly swinging between sad and completely empty. And I began to forget what it even was to live. I remember the day, the minute, the second I just couldn't do it anymore. I ran and ran until I finally reached an empty field where I could just scream. I allowed myself to come completely undone knowing there was nobody around to stop me. I bawled and sobbed and laughed and swore to myself that a part of me was dying- at least that's what it felt like. I lay down on the wet grass and just inhaled and exhaled. I lay there until the sky turned black and for the first time since you left me.. I felt calm.

A few months along and I finally thought I was doing ok. I could breathe without my heart hurting, without my stomach twisting, without you invading my thoughts quite as much as they used to. I wasn't happy- not even close but I was a little less of a mess than before and at the time that was enough. It was enough to pull myself out of the deep ocean of self-hate I was drowning in. But it still stung to see a couple on the street, kissing, loving, holding hands. It still broke my heart every single day to see how great you were doing without me and how it physically made me sick when it hit me that you didn't need me. And maybe you never did.

Almost half a year later and I still found myself retreating to the dark place occasionally. It was an addiction. A solace in a world which still felt like there was a huge piece missing. But I had more control over it than before. I could choose when to come in and out and how deep into it I wanted to wander. I finally started to do something productive.. to write. And that's when I knew I could get better. I wrote and wrote and found a new way to escape the world that until that point had been eating me and gradually I began to fill the space you left.

And God it's not been easy and yes there have been many, many relapses. Like when I found out about the other girls. That really hurt. But I got through it and you know what? I still don't hate you. To be honest I could never hate you. I still feel sad sometimes, how you were such a big part of my life and how you're just not in it anymore but I finally accept that maybe we just weren't meant to be. Just don't go thinking we were a waste of time because at worst, and you know how great I am at finding the worst in a situation, at worst we were a lesson. And I think we were a lesson that needed to be taught.

And if you even hurt a fraction of how much I did then I'm truly sorry. I never ever wanted to hurt you and I hope that someday you meet someone who makes your life whole and beautiful because you deserve that. I saw a couple kissing in a coffee shop today and for the first time in such a long time, I didn't feel sick or twisted or depressed. It just made me smile. I don't expect you to forgive me for everything that happened between us or for us even to be friends but promise me you won't forget what we were, our laughs, our tears, our memories. Just a promise, that's all I want.

I think I'm done hurting now.

Jade.


End file.
